Moving On: How Do I Know When to Let Go and Move Forward?
Today’s podcast on Moving On was inspired by our HOA denying our solar panels. While we believe we would have won in court, it would have cost us a lot of money and taken a way our peace of mind. Our lawyer literally said, “It will be a war.” We weren’t interested in a battle or a war.
NOTE: If you live in North Carolina, don’t join an HOA. I’m serious. It’s too bad our house is so awesome as we said we’d never join one.
Moving On Take actions:
- Know why you aren’t willing to move on from a situation
- Understand why you might not stay when you should
- Be clear on when it’s time for you to move on
- Have a plan to walk away.
- Get the heck out of dodge when you need to
Certified life coach, author & award-winning professional life organizer Julie Coraccio shares steps and tips to support you in creating the life you choose, deserve and desire through decluttering your life, end of life planning, mindfulness and how to organize your life.
Julie Coraccio 0:01
Today on clear your clutter inside and out, we’re talking about when it’s time to move on. Are you someone who must win at all costs? Do you feel like you have to stay until the bitter end for everything? What is one reason you should stay? Learn how to know when to walk away as we continue our month focusing on your future self. Do you control your clutter? Or does your clutter control you? unclear your clutter inside now I will teach you awareness as well as action steps to create change in your life. Come on. Let’s get started. Today is a hard day to record this guy’s I usually record an order. This was tough so I waited to do this. Last episode of OneNote for my inspired solar. When I first drafted this, I was hoping I tell a completely different story. My husband and I wanted to get solar panels on our roof. Sadly, unfortunately, we live in an HOA in North Carolina, if you live in North Carolina do not buy in an HOA. He said we’d never buy in an HOA, fell in love with a house. It’s a perfect house for us. It’s a ranch we back up to wetlands. It’s amazing. We’re on an acre, we have lots of space. Neighbors aren’t close, who went through this entire process? And we were just too naive to know that the people on the board weren’t honorable, because they were never going to grant us permission. They and they broke the law. They change we submitted them three months later, they said oh, we’re going to change the rules are really you know, we put down a third. And you know, we have to look at the contract. You know I’m just going to cry we there’s no way we can lose all that money and so they weren’t fair they change the rules. They didn’t get the entire community to vote on the rules. It’s just a hot mess. And I learned that we’re not the only people who’ve been treated fairly which is disappointing. You know, people who serve on a job boards are and I’m grant that there’s an exception, the rule, but I think sadly, sadly, sometimes the people change are kind of like people who serve on your high school reunion committee. They have no sense of power in their life. So they are going to extract power and control they’re being on also haven’t reinforced regularly. Anyway, so my father’s was a federal judge, and he’s like they can’t supersede state law. Well, North Carolina apparently is really insanely messed up and they can, which makes it that basically says that they can block us from having solar even though the states and acts of the law saying they can’t do that. We talk to North Carolina attorneys like yeah, they have more power than you may realize. And he said, you can go to court, but it’s going to be a war, it’s going to be a battle. And he used those words. And it wasn’t worth us to spend 50 grand. And even if we lose, and we could recruit the lawyer cost, that’s one of those moments when you have to walk away. I had thought they’d walk away when we challenge them on the law, they didn’t care about that. Because of all the other things that happen, such as changing the rules, blah, blah. We would have a case but again, we didn’t want to spend the money. What’s disappointing is federal track federal tax credits, and this year, and so they basically paid for a third, our local power company would pitch in and make it about 40%. So 40% of your solar panels are paid. We got a home equity loan at a rate three, I think it’s at 3%, which is lower than our mortgage. I think three and a half percent or 3.75 or something like that. So it was right for getting solar panels. Now I’ll share it another episode something really it’s one of those things you need to step back and trust that there’s a reason for everything. So we had one good thing come out of it, but it’s been an incredibly frustrating process even if you are not for the environment. I consider myself environmentalist. We crunched the numbers. And if you can have solar, I really encourage you. This step tax credits will remain it’s my understanding check with an accountant for 2020 they went from 30% to 26%. So that’s still a pretty good, good deal. We would have paid off or quote made your money back however you want to phrase it in less than eight years, and we weren’t efficient home meaning when you looked at the power company would send you out
a list I think quarterly saying you know compared to similar neighborhoods in your home Your energy efficient now the home was 30 years old needed windows blah, blah, blah. But I thought, wow, and our power bill, what are other people paying, and our power bill went up 10% I believe from 216 2016 to 2019. We moved counties and the rate is higher here. We had our highest bill ever. And we went from two stories to one story. So it’s a smart if you’re able to swing it a smart investment, but it’s been an incredibly stressful process. And I’d hope to share this and saying, Oh, they finally walked away when we got legal. And when we talk to so this literally happened, I’m recording this on a Thursday. This happened Monday morning, we call the solar promoters to cancel you know, we just can’t afford and I can’t afford the money. I can’t afford the time and energy to maybe when it just wasn’t worth it. So that was one of the things didn’t you know, it was really hard for my husband to and he said maybe and I said no Senator, we just have to, we just have to walk away from this. And so that is really what inspired the show today. And you know, maybe we will move we’re really considering living now. I don’t want to be in North Carolina anymore after this or several other things estate has done that, that bother me. And I just, I feel like I’m in an alternate universe. Like what and they the lawyer, the North Carolina lawyer even said to me, he said, Yeah, even with federal law, which makes zero sense to me. So if an HOA says that you can plant illegal plants, then that supersedes federal law that just it’s just makes zero sense to me. So anyway, my advice, we didn’t listen to ourselves. Don’t buy in an HOA. Or if you’re going to buy in an HOA, though we did ask beforehand. No, we’re living let live that apparently was a lie. They weren’t honorable. Make it a A community that fits your needs, and they don’t. They we have other things in our neighborhood that make it look quite frankly, awful and bring down property values yet solar increases your home value, we show that third, North Carolina has the third highest rate of return for solar panels. If they allow junk like we have, and literally in one of the neighbors, thankfully not next us has a car on cinder blocks. All the wheels are off and it’s on concrete blocks. And the neighbors told us yeah, at least he moved it to the back. But you can still see it from the street and you’re worried about how solar panels look. And FYI, I don’t live in a million dollar home community. I live in a half a million dollar home community. So anyway, still pretty fresh, as you can probably tell, but this is what inspired today’s story. Why we don’t walk away when maybe we should because you have to win right really throughout the session. process. It wasn’t about winning. For me it was about the environment of sound investment. And I know there are times in my life where I’ve gotten kind of frenzied, and like, Oh my gosh, I have to win. And I’m sure you probably know someone that has to win all the time. Right? Maybe they will cheat to win, maybe it’s just you’re playing cards, and they’ll cheat to win our game. So ask yourself, if you are in a moment of I’ve just got to win. And the thing that I think really disturbed me so we had our annual meeting, after some exchanges, and I ended up posting publicly I wanted the neighborhood to know what was going on. And I had we had someone and very passively aggressively say something to us in the meeting, which drives me nuts, like, just get courage and speak directly to me and I thought, if you can’t look at what they’ve done and not be bothered, please don’t
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ever get on the board.
Julie Coraccio 8:58
But I felt for some of them. It was Like on the board, it was, oh, they had to win. It was about winning. And that’s what I’m saying about having control having power. That’s completely messed up. So ask yourself, if that is maybe why you haven’t walked away. Maybe it’s because you have to be right. No, that sign in my office right here. I’m looking at it. Do I want to be right? Or do I want peace and peace was overriding I really though it has to be I never felt. For me, it wasn’t about being right. It was about a smart investment and being green and being thinking to our future when we’re retired. So it wasn’t about being right. It was very apparent early on that the facts of solar panels weren’t gonna change anyone’s opinion and weren’t even open to it. I think that’s what bothers me that had no it was never gonna happen. Just were credibly close minded. So it really wasn’t about being right truly I’m have done enough work on myself that I can really step back and say, Okay, let’s be honest was it really wasn’t So ask yourself if you have so you right? Then ask yourself, you know is peace of mind more important? Maybe you haven’t walked away from a situation and I’m using solar as an example because that’s just a really open wound right now. But this could be from a relationship. Maybe you’re involved in someone, maybe you’re it’s a work job that you’re in and maybe you’re fighting. You’re in a lawsuit with a work situation. I mean, there could be a myriad of of situations here. So don’t think that it’s just related to an HOA issue. It could be a relationship. So tie it, examine your life and tie it in how it fits. Maybe even walked away because you think you can fix or change or make it better. I say Definitely, especially when I was in my 20s, I’m thinking of one relationship and I stayed way too long because I kept thinking I could change the person, I could change him, I could make it better, I could fix it, I could change, I could do something. And if I did something differently, there’d be a different outcome never gonna happen. That was so not gonna happen. In the past, I would say so say if this was happening in my 20s I probably would have felt that I could, I could change people’s minds or fix it or make it better somehow. And I was someone putting my name I’d actually asked them I know my name on the board, but and thankfully, we have two new members, the prep going president who was hurt by my social media comments, and someone behind the scenes emailed me and said, Don’t worry about his man tears, which, no offense to my male listeners, but I thought that was pretty funny. So perhaps you’re studying for that reason. Maybe you have A really warped sense of responsibility. I’m going to share a story and I was in my 30s when this happened. So when I lived in Los Angeles, I used to babysit for a doctor. And he was divorced. It was a terrible, terrible divorce situation, the mother had issues. And I’ll leave it at that. So the kids were neglected. And, and I would say emotionally neglected. You know, they always had a roof over their head they’d never wanted for food. And so anyway, I would watch them. He’d go on these trips overseas, and I would watch the kids and stay over with them. And you know, they paid me Well, it was always a battle like, when we leave, we leave the capsular check here Victorian status today when we leave, you know, the positive whenever I do, I’d stay overnight for a week or two. And then it was always pulling teeth to ask him to pay me and I felt really bad for these kids because I would go They’re and and do the best job I could and listen to them and and be really kind and just because they just needed love and then after the last time and they were gone to Africa with his girlfriend and gone for two weeks and then I had to ask again and again to get paid I was like I’m done so i think i camera Fred said yes sir He had asked me I was never forget him in my condo in Pasadena and I made my my girlfriend was over a friend of mine and I said hold my hand because I was really hard for me to stand up for myself. While I share the stories I want you to know you’re not alone and that you can change your life create your life because I’m living proof of that. And so I made her whole my hands when I’ve said no prayed about I’m not gonna watch him anymore. I always I think he was in shock. I think he was bummed out because let’s just face it. I’m pretty awesome and good babysitter.
But I finally had to step back and say that’s A sense of responsibility. They’re not my responsibility. They’re their parents. So that might be a reason why you haven’t walked away from something. I’m also going to share some of the reasons why you shouldn’t walk away and again, with if it is costing you peace of mind if it’s going to cost you money, like a legal battle, walk away. With this, I’m trying to show you that perhaps this is an opportunity to learn and grow. Because you fear confrontation. In the past, I wouldn’t have I wouldn’t have Oh, you know what, I can’t go against the board. I can’t go against authority. And the same with a doctor like, Oh, I don’t want to have a conversation about that. I don’t like confrontation. I don’t handle it really well. Maybe part of your lesson is standing up for yourself. I really felt I was talking to my husband about this. I said, you know, you and I are both pretty laid back. But we’re also not the greatest at standing up for ourselves. So really feel free to do so in such a way Public weigh me and I normally wouldn’t call someone out but I was so disgusted and felt the community need to know what you’re doing. Some people got it and some didn’t and that’s okay. That’s okay. It was doing it for me. Maybe you fear the unknown? What if I don’t ever babysit for that doctor again? Well, I get some more side income. What’s gonna happen? It was a nice little supplement to my income. Maybe he will say I’m a bad babysitter and all those foods right? You just you could your mind can go nuts on you on this and do mental mind monkey and all that. But the fear of the unknown What if I were to leave this relationship? Maybe that means I’ll never have a boyfriend or girlfriend again. Right? You fear that because you don’t know that if you can’t see it right in front of your eyes or you don’t trust it, what’s going to happen? That fear of the unknown can really drive you to stay in a situation. Maybe you want to win you You shouldn’t What if you fear change? I used to hate change? No, we had it, we’re going to revisit it at the end of 2020. But after all this went down. We were like, you know what? We need to seriously consider leaving the state of North Carolina. I am just completely done. I said that one, you know, want to wait a couple years, tax reasons, but and I said, I’m exhausted. I mean, we downsize I got the books published in 2019. It was a year of a lot of intense mental energy. I thought, Oh, we can continue to downsize for 2020 and, and revisit it. The thought of I would have in the past no way if your change wouldn’t have moved would have stayed in our home in North Raleigh just because I just fear change so much. And it would take me in addition to fearing the changes, take all this emotional energy to hold on to that right. Instead of just going through with it being like okay, I’ve made a decision. Let’s embrace it. have wasted so much energy for that. If you’re not leaving because you fear change and then you know maybe you should stay and hopefully I’m sorry if I’m jumbling this up a little bit but hopefully the message is getting across. Does the thought of clearing your clutter overwhelm you? Clear your clutter inside now has 21 standalone chapters to fit your schedule and lifestyle. Stop being afraid, gain clarity and go at your own pace. The clear your clutter inside not workbook lets you record your thoughts step by step as you go through the book. Free mp3 meditation with purchase. get control of your clutter, so your clutter doesn’t control you. reclaim time, money, sanity and resources. Learn more at reawaken your brilliance calm And also available for purchase on Amazon. Maybe you don’t have the skills. I’m not a lawyer, I’m not an attorney. I had to ask opinions, right that helped me decide that helped us decide that we needed to walk away. But if it’s something you know where someone’s mistreated you and you don’t have the skills, hire an attorney, hire something like Legal Aid, you know, there are all these options where you can do things, learn the skills, and again, as frustrating as this situation is, I’m like, What are the golden nuggets? What’s the good that’s come out of it? We’ve already seen one thing. I consider it that standing up for myself as a good thing. I have learned to advocate for myself I’ve learned a little bit not quite a skill because the law is so complex. And if I would have stayed
didn’t walk away for lack of skill. If I would have stayed in a trust me, I would have been spending time learning the law. So those are just four things for you to think about when maybe you shouldn’t walk away from a situation. And again, I’m not talking about an abusive relationship, I would pray and hope that you move away from that I’m talking about your Hoa is treating you like junk, or for whatever reason that that maybe you need to stay and stick up for yourself and stand up for yourself instead of automatically folding. Hopefully, I’ve explained that well. Knowing when it’s time to walk away. Now with the solar thing, I would have thought or hoped that the board would have known to walk away when they broke the law. They did break the law, they broke the CCN RS and all of that when they didn’t get a vote when they move the goalposts, although I don’t know if it’s technically breaking the law, it’s that you know, again, the loss of subtle is definitely not Fair not cool. If you’re breaking the law walk away. That’s my advice right off the bat for you. If you’re exhausted, you know, I, if you’ve listened a long time, you know, I talked about emotional eating. I had been so stressed out, I stopped eating, I could barely eat. And we joked about it. And I said, you know, the good news is it’s around the holiday, some not eating a lot, but I was so stressed that I stopped eating and that’s not good. I need to get healthy and lose weight. But that’s not how I want to do it. And when we talked about, you know, the loss, you probably would have been a year in addition to the monetary cost, this whole kind of three months, four months that we’ve been dealing with took up so much time and energy. It wasn’t worth it for us for the time and energy. And so that’s when you want to step back and be like, how much am I investing in this? How am I feeling with this? Am I feeling entered? By this, or am I feeling completely drained? How am I feeling? When I think about the situation? How am I feeling when I see a person involved with that? You have to ask yourself, you know, is it worth the time, energy, money, resources, effort, whatever it is. Examine your why. And see if it still fits. Can’t win the solar fight? Well, we could win the solar fight, but it’s not worth the energy. It’s now becoming clutter to me is becoming spiritual clutter because I feel just sad in my soul, as you come on mental clutter from the anxiety that it’s caused the emotional clutter so it’s no longer important for us to get solar on our home and we’ll just have to trust that something greater is out there. That examine sometimes I think we get caught up in being right or needing to be right needing to win. And we forget why we started in the first place. So take it back to the beginning. Why did you? Why are you still staying in this situation? And if your why still fits, then have at it. Again, giving you a couple things if it’s illegal if you’re exhausted, take all of these into consideration. Maybe it’s been going on a long time. You know, I think Have you read about lawsuits that go on for years now. You know, I just read about a defamation case in California. And it has cost the one person who is being sued $300,000 in legal fees. And there are a couple people being sued in this. And there were three people being sued one has been dropped. The one that’s been dropped, I think her legal fees were 200,000 and the person That sued her was ordered to pay I want to say 115 120,000 of that. But that’s still $80,000 worth of legal fees. And the person who’s paying $300,000 it’s dragging on and I don’t think that’s even been a year. You know, if it’s been going on for a long time and again, you know what I get it people have cases go before the Supreme Court. And again, if you know, if I had a well if I had a millionaire, we probably wouldn’t be living here but if I had cash to burn, I would definitely go to the mat. I would definitely go to the mat and would have hired an attorney. I’m just not willing to. We would have one I really believe that but
just not willing to, to burn money that we don’t have been taken out a loan to pay for legal just just would not happen and with a case like ours. doubt that we could get an attorney to take it on contingency. And you know, again, that would have been a year of my life focused on that I wasn’t willing to give that up. So how long have you been? In this situation? That’s something to consider. And finally, I suggest if nothing is going to change, we have two new board members. That’s five, we have three to split is my guess. I don’t expect things to change. I wish them well. The one young man is very thoughtful, and I’m grateful he’s on the board now because I don’t think he would have ever tolerated the shenanigans. I’m not going to change your point of view, the facts didn’t change the point of view. And that’s not my job. It is not my job. It’s not my monkeys, not my circus. So if you’re again, in a situation like a relationship, if you have tried counseling, and things haven’t changed, then it’s time to walk away. And again, only you can answer that and this is one of those times. I encourage you to sit, you have some sort of mindfulness practice that’s going to benefit you but to sit quietly, what I really think and feel and and see if you can move that ego to the side and listen to your soul, listen to your intuition, because it’s there, it’s there to support you. And, you know, if you’re in a situation, like it’s my husband and me, it’s two of us deciding not just one. And so you just have to ask yourself, check in with yourself, then talk to anyone else involved, and have a thoughtful conversation, but bring these suggestions up, then, like how do you feel every time you think about this? So those are just a few things to consider and how to walk away right, because sometimes that’s not easy. Before I give my suggestions, I just would like to suggest that life is cyclical, and endings are part of life. I had a friend she finally her divorce is finalized. And when I suggested her as as you got your kids out of the marriage, you walked the path together as long as you could. And think of you’ve got your kids no matter what, no matter what all the other junk going on, you’ve got your kids and you love them dearly. So I just offer that perspective. Life has beginnings and life has endings you know, we die, that’s an ending, but it’s also my view beginning. So if you can think of cyclical as a possibility or perspective that might help you instead of getting caught up in oh my gosh, this is ended or it’s gonna be horrible. Nah, it’s just part of life. Stop talking and physically walk away. When we went to our annual meeting, we didn’t say a word. That’s not true until the end when someone said, oh, let’s introduce ourselves. Like the last thing I wanted. We sat in front. I had my little prayer book and if anyone I love illuminata by Marianne Williamson, but if you have any other spiritual prayer books, please email me or contact me on social media, I’m looking for suggestions. I set up all my little crystals on the line and, and just for all negativity, but we didn’t talk that was our plan. We’re not going to talk. We physically walked away after the meeting is a little more different because you know, if I see any of these four people and walking away, I have nothing to say.
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Julie Coraccio 27:30
that’s not true, I probably would say just saying that they lack courage and they aren’t honorable people because that’s a factual statement. You can get the skills you need to help walk away or hire help. That’s a possibility. You know, maybe you are in a relationship and you don’t have to leave it so you need to hire a therapist. Right? Or you need to get skills on how to stand up for yourself. And so that way you can are able to leave the situation and move forward. I think it’s really important and even, you’re going to gain knowledge you’re going to gain skills when you do that. If I hadn’t have done all my work previously, I couldn’t have stood up for myself. I just couldn’t have and so remembers you learn these things, they are building blocks and they’re gonna serve you in other areas of your life. I’m gonna encourage you also, some of you might not need this but get closure if you need to. You know, I don’t I probably do a burning ceremony like I have a little bowl and burn things and kind of to me that’s very cleansing and fires releasing. So if there’s something you need to do to get closure and Gosh, I want to say it was 2016 I think I did. All looking at closure from all different angles into their pocket. Cast on that a few that would support you and can refresh you. They get closure if you need to. Again, the reason I suggest that is it helps you to be able to move forward because what I don’t want to happen to you is continuing to think about it continuing tomorrow over again, this all really went that’s been going on for months. It all really went down on Monday today’s Thursday. so angry I posted something on Facebook, about where do you live Tell me because I want we want to move and and I’m allowing myself a week to be grumpy and stinky and Yeah. Because I went through such a process and I know that this part of my releasing anger I’m grateful for I’m grateful that this is for me again. If you’ve listened, you know, I believe in. I don’t know if it’s past lives or the multiverse and it’s going on at the same time. I haven’t haven’t figured that one out yet
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Julie Coraccio 29:59
throughout this process and Connie’s like, Hey, you know, do you think there’s some deeper and it’s absolutely I could it was releasing fear something has happened to me that had made me definitely afraid of standing up for myself. So I feel like that’s moved out. So I’m completely grateful for that. So if you need closure, get it. And then finally, trust the process. You know, the day that it happened, I’ll just go ahead and tell you what it was. So my husband telecommute on Mondays. And so his call week is this week and he had said, you know, Hey, can I be here when they saw them solar and that a really great boss and his boss has solar, his boss is not in the in not in the same state. And so he was like, I’d stay in fight. So what if they put it again lien against your house and so anyway, they’re texting how this conversation and so I’m venting out, I just finished season three of the crown which I do not know how they stayed in power, but that’s another nother discussion. So Tony says to me, Well, do you think I should ask them if I can work from home all the time, so we can move? And I said, why not? And I said, if he or she gets upset, I Oh, sorry, man, this has just been so stressful. The boss says, yes. The boss says, Yes, I love having you in this office. But if you need to be happy and happy at home, I don’t want you being miserable. So that’s a gift. So that’s, you know, we’re going to talk about then the year, some other things And anyway, so that was a huge gift. So that’s about trusting the process, right? Almost immediately, I felt like we said, okay, no, you’re frustrated, but here you go. And to be able to move, that would be just such a blessing because we tried prior to downsizing to move somewhere else. Put in the god box, put in the universe box, whatever you call it. Write it down. You know I mentioned a moment ago about burning and releasing. Write it down. say okay, I can’t handle this, this is a burden to me. I’m upset, I’m angry, I’m frustrated I’m stressed Please take care of it for me and then put in the box and let it go. Again that’s a step of releasing it. So you’re not modeling and angry whatever and be like me Give yourself some time this was a huge deal and so on settled we don’t know how much of our deposit we’re earning it back and thankfully we’re bringing in my father because I will cry if we lose a third of I will literally cry if we lose a third of our deposit. So that’s let it go put it in the god box trust the universe on that. I just want to have one final thought about this whole podcast has been about whole episode about being knowing when to walk away. If you are in an abusive situation, please, please, please get help. There are resources for you out there. There are safe spaces on social media. For you to find help, reach out please, please please and get help and leave an abusive situation. take actions from today’s podcast. Know why you aren’t willing to move on from a situation. Understand why you might not stay when you should be clear on when it’s time for you to move on. Have a plan to walk away. Get the heck out of dodge when you need to. On our next episode we’re talking about Take your time do it right you can do it maybe go out. Clear your clutter to create the life you choose deserve and desire. When you clear your clutter You can share your gifts with the world. Sign up for our free newsletter at reawaken your brilliance calm. If you’ve enjoyed clear your clutter inside now, please rate review and share us
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
About Clear Your Clutter Inside & Out
Clutter is stuck stagnant energy and prevents you from creating the life you choose, desire and deserve. We discuss clutter in all its forms: energetic, spiritual, emotional, mental & physical, relationships, health, finances and more. We share tips and take action steps for clutter free living and how to organize your life and death with end of life planning. We’re thinking outside the box on areas where people might not realize where clutter is blocking them. When we remove clutter from our lives we can discover our passions, lead the extraordinary lives we are all meant to live and share our gifts with the world.
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