I’ve seen gaslighting in relationships. How about you? Have you experienced it or wondered if someone you love is experiencing gaslighting?
Take actions from today’s podcast on Gaslighting in Relationships:
- Recognize the signs of being gaslit
- Look back on your life and see when gaslit
- Understand in present life where may be happening
- Reach out for support if being gaslit
- Release unhealthy relationships
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Certified life coach, author & award-winning professional life organizer Julie Coraccio shares steps and tips to support you in creating the life you choose, deserve and desire through decluttering your life, mindfulness and how to organize your life.
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Clutter is stuck stagnant energy and prevents you from creating the life you choose, desire and deserve. We discuss clutter in all its forms: energetic, spiritual, emotional, mental & physical, relationships, health, finances and more. We share tips and take action steps for clutter free living and how to organize your life and death with end of life planning. We’re thinking outside the box on areas where people might not realize where clutter is blocking them. When we remove clutter from our lives we can discover our passions, lead the extraordinary lives we are all meant to live and share our gifts with the world.
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Julie Coraccio 0:03
Today on Clear Your Clutter inside now, we’re talking about gaslighting. Has someone ever made you question? What you know is the truth? Are you in a situation where you have the facts, but others act like you’re the one not in touch with reality? Do you feel like you need to check in with people about what you’re thinking and feeling? Instead of trusting your own instincts? Learn how to recognize and stop gaslighting as we begin our month focused on challenges in life. Do you control your clutter? Or does your clutter control you? Unclear your clutter inside now. We’ll teach you awareness as well as action steps to create change in your life. Come on, let’s get started. This entire month is going to be focused on some challenges we may face. Probably most of us will have the challenges that I’m going to talk about this month. pause and think for a moment where in your life are you facing some challenges right now? And what’s your plan to overcome the challenges? Hopefully, if not one of the four talk about this month I’ll give you some good food for thought to be able to formulate a plan to move forward. Today we’re talking about gaslighting. Today’s episode was inspired. Because my nephew Max said What’s gaslighting? We’re having a conversation we were out with the kids and their parents. And so I said, okay, here, let’s have a conversation. And I’ll show you. And prior to that, I said, Max, when we move and get settled, if you want work, we’ll hire you for $15 an hour. So for 14 year old, you know, that’s a lot of money. And he’s a good hard worker, and we’re happy to do it. So I said, Hey, Max, so we started the conversation. And I said, Well, how much did we agree to be paid? And he said, Oh, you said you’d pay me $15 an hour? And I said, No, Max, you must be mistaking me for your other Auntie Gigi? And so he said, No, Gigi. That’s what he said. So Max, I thought we agreed on $8 an hour. And so we continue to have this conversation. And I thought, you know, it was good education moment for the kids. And we talked about it a little further. And I think it’s really important. Have kids know and be aware of the signs young. It was also inspired, because I’m not on social media as much these days, which I’m very grateful for. But I like to use social media to sit back and observe, work on using my intuition and just kind of as a task for me to do just to power my observing, you know, my getting angry is or something I need to clear. So anyway, that’s how I utilize these days. And I’ve certainly been gaslit on social media, and I’m betting most of you if not all listening. And you know, my neighborhood is a prime example. I believe my neighborhood really is a good example of the US and it’s a microcosm of it. So I’ve been made, people got angry that I stepped for solar, that I stood up to the board, that I call them and neighbors out on their own hypocrisy. And so instead of being like, wow, she’s just stated the facts because that’s what I did in the case. You can’t get emotional love mean can do anything in life you want but a judge is going to ignore motions and say what are the facts of this case? And you know, even though we lost that doesn’t mean that I was wrong or that I was factually incorrect. I still the judge didn’t even touch the acting in bad faith, which is a legal term here in North Carolina anyway. So with people being up there trying to gaslight me, like, You’re wrong, this isn’t correct. And I’m like, I know what the truth is, and I know what the facts are, and I can document it all. So that’s an example of how I’ve been trying to be gaslit and I thought, you know, this would be a good topic to discuss. So I want you to consider how have you been gaslit in your life and I’ll give some examples. I’m a fan of examples because I think concrete life examples because that makes us easier for us to say oh yeah, I’ve had that happen. Wow. I didn’t realize that was gaslighting if you’re being gaslighted obviously is going to create clutter.
It can make you question yourself or think you’re going mad and create clutter in all areas of your life. If someone gaslight you they can con you out on money might have you think you’re going nuts and sign over your power of attorney or something It happens. This happens. From the mundane things to huge things it can permeate your life. So as you’re listening to the examples I give, I want you to think where have you been gas lit? And how has it created clutter in your life? Now I got this definition from Britannica of gaslighting. The term is derived from the title of a 1938 British stage play, which I did not know because I only knew about the American movie gaslight, which was subsequently produced as a film gaslight in the UK, and the United States in 1944. Starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman, if you have not seen gaslight, definitely check it out. I think that’ll do an even better job of really understanding what I’m talking about. So the definition is gaslighting, an elaborate and insidious technique of deception and psychological manipulation, usually practiced by a single deceiver, or gaslighter. On a single victim over an extended period, its effect is to gradually undermine the victims confidence in his own ability to distinguish truth from falsehood, right from wrong, or reality from appearance, thereby rendering him pathologically dependent on the gaslighter and his thinking or feelings. That is a dictionary definition. So what are some examples of gaslighting? Here, I’m
going to share just what’s been going on America. So in my opinion, saying the election was stolen, is a form of gaslighting. It’s very clear even people who support the previous president, that they understand that the election was not stolen. Now, obviously, people disagree with that. That’s why we had the insurrection on that capital, because they believe that the election was stolen. So when you look at the facts, and I’m not going to go into all of them all, but one lawsuit was thrown out that were challenging the election. So previous president had nominated some of these judges, the Supreme Court has refused to hear any cases and what they’re three appointees to appointees by the previous administration. So the Supreme Court didn’t find anything wrong. But one lawsuit in a variety of states and a variety of levels of judges all dismissed more than 20 Nash 20, international observers found no Hanky Panky. And what that is, is they’ll have people from other countries come in and observe the election. I know Jimmy Carter’s really involved in that or was for a while where he’d go to other countries and, and watch at voting places. As of this writing, the state of Georgia is suing because they were made to recount the ballots, and I believe it was three times. So the facts don’t bear out that there was fraud and the election. It’s very rare. But some people are trying to make us believe that it happens all the time. Now, the one case that happened in North Carolina a few years ago, near Charlotte, was from a Republican. Again, I don’t like to label want to do this, but it’s primarily the Republicans and I believe probably all the Republicans who are saying the election was stolen. So again, one minor fact here in North Carolina doesn’t bear out the fact the election was stolen. And if you believe it was incurred, do your research. And then you need to really understand who is giving you these facts. And it’s like when I say if someone says oh, you know, Oreos, will help you lose 20 pounds. And then you see that the study was sponsored by Nabisco and paid everyone’s salary, then you have to say, Huh, and noon backs me up on this because that was one of the lessons that they taught. And I know from grant writing, I know enough about that. So encourage you to do that. Do your research. Another example to me is q and on there apparently is a documentary coming out or might be out already on Kuhn on that on HBO, Max, I think I’m really looking forward to watching. I believe that those people are being gaslit. So my observation, I don’t comment anymore, but I watch. And so when someone questions, I remember someone who’s very spiritual that I actually interviewed and she is just completely jumped on the queue and on train, and it’s interesting how it’s kind of infiltrated spiritual communities. And of course, anyone who harms a child we’d want to see behind bars, but when people say, well, where’s your proof? Then they, they don’t want to bring out facts. They just want to say that you’re a loser or call you names or whatever, when people are genuine. Were the fact. And I’m gonna argue, we all knew who the predator Jeffrey Epstein was, and he continued to be able to be a predator. Despite multiple people knowing what horrible acts this man committed So I’m going to immediately question if you think, why didn’t they stop? The probably a prolific pedophile. And I’m really hoping that ghibelline folds and cans over the tapes, because it’s been mentioned multiple time that he allegedly videotaped and audio taped everything, because I’d like to see a lot of powerful people come down because multiple people associated with him that I my view should be in jail. And again, I have to wait for the facts, and they should have be tried in a court of law. I think ghibelline is, is as guilty as he is. But my point is, you know, there are things that prosecutors have to back those up with facts, there are no facts that the previous administration had taken down the Cabal or whatever you want to call it, or the whole pizza gate involve someone’s North Carolina. So
that, to me is another example. You know, they said that on March 4, the previous president was going to be elected, I think, New World Order, I don’t know. Because someone friended me and they were big Q anon person, like, I don’t want to be friends with this person. And so nothing happened on March 4. And so I don’t know how many it’s heartbreaking to me. And there are resources out there if someone you love is involved, or if you’re starting to question to support you in moving away from that and being gaslit. So those are just a few examples that I find where I believe that people had been gaslit. So here are some signs this person and remember, it’s usually a one on one situation. So this happens a lot in abusive situations. They describe us crazier, overdramatic, they dismiss your feelings. They tell other people that you’re not. They tell you blatant obvious lies, you can like whoa, whoa, I know this isn’t true. They deny their behavior, even if you have proof on it. So that’s was that awful show they used to have on on cell TV called cheaters. And the guy would go undercover and show sheets, I think my boyfriend’s cheating. So they trail him and videotape him and then confront money caught. So that’s like the tutor, say I wasn’t cheating, I don’t know what you’re talking about. So they deny their behavior, even if you have proof of it. And again, just watch an episode of that I’m sure you’d see a good example of it. They attack the most important aspects of your life, such as your close relationships, or your worthiness, say one thing and do another. Now, most of us have been hypocrites, some of us more so than others. But this is a consistent behavior. And again, it’s one it’s a one on one situation, and it’s consistent. Now the praise you and I’ll talk about this in a moment how it starts, but only when it serves a purpose. It’s like kind of that manipulation to get you to do something, if you want Oh, Julie looks so gorgeous today, while you get me the non natural peanut butter. My husband just said, really funny that I’ve got to talk to you about something and I’m thinking oh, no, it sounds kind of serious. He went to see my parents this past weekend and my mother loves Jiffy peanut butter. I’m like, we don’t do just peanut butter this household, we have got to be better, better health. And so forever. I’ve had natural peanut butter. And he’s like, I just made a motion to clean up. And I was like, well, let’s do finish the one and a half jars that are in there. And we’ll see if I can find a no sugar and something that doesn’t have a ton of hydrogenated oil and all that gross stuff. So if you have a good peanut butter, that’s doesn’t separate, please, please email me. It’s an unstable relationship. Right? Never know what’s going to happen tomorrow. What are they going to do? How are they going to react kind of keeping you on your toes walking on eggshells. They try to flip it around and accuse you of the negative behaviors that you know like they say oh, you’re cheating on me when they’re the one that are doing the bad behavior. And they try to convince your you that everyone else in your life is lying. I once had a friend and I remember our friendship was never the same and crying saying this man is so horrible. He’s so abusive to you tell him she was fat all the time. And so then she ended up losing a ton of weight to a point where she wasn’t healthy and I said it breaks my heart to see this horrible man treating you like this Now the good news is she ended up breaking up with him but they lived together a long time and our friendship was never the same but I felt I had to speak what I saw and you know when she finally woke up I had no control over it. You have all the answers you need within got clutter. 365 Journal prompts books, support you and figuring out How to Clear Your Clutter. get control of your clutter so your clutter doesn’t control you. Reclaim time, money, sanity and resources. Choose from physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, holiday holidays, or compilation volumes one, two and three. Free mp3 meditation with purchase. Learn more at reawaken your brilliance, calm or purchase on Amazon.
So what’s key to gaslighting is the abuser makes the victim questions what’s real, and whether their feelings are valid. I mentioned that earlier in the definition. Sometimes it’s hard to detect because they do it slowly over time, right? It’s that little drip drip. So it’s not one huge event that happens. It’s but they plant the seeds a little by little. And the other thing that I want to highlight is it’s not just in romantic relationships, or gaslighting occurs, I talked about Max and the explaining, no, I didn’t say 15 An hour said eight an hour. So anyone can be a victim, and anyone can do the gaslighting. It’s a type of abuse. And, you know, one of the things I think, I think we have finally started to move forward on this. But abuse doesn’t have to be just physical. Because a mental, mental and emotional and what I would call spiritual abuse, still leaves a scar, you might not be able to see it, but it’s every bit as real, and, and dangerous. So here are some examples. You’re not tired, you just had a nap. So that’s something you might say, as a parent, you might say, oh, you know, you can’t be hungry you just ate. So this is a really mild thing. It is usually because you want your child to do something, right, but it’s still a form of gaslighting. So just be really aware, I think, anytime you know you can have a conversation with the child, you know, age appropriate, what your concerns are like with eating, you know, do you feel lonely? Or maybe we just ate or did we not have enough or you know, if you want something, okay have make sure to nutritious snack, or whatever it is. So that’s like a really subtle way that parents do it. And you know, I get it if you’re exhausted or you know, just cooked to me, I feel like Max is the skinniest thing ever. And boy can that boy I only did it because I love you ever had someone say this to you. So they are trying to equate gaslighting to show love. And so then that puts the victim or the person being gaslit into the position of do they believe this someone that loves me, and I’m doing air quotes here? Or do I believe myself. And so kind of the long end game is they’re trying to get them not to make decisions for themselves. And they want to do that because then it’s about controlling the person completely. I’m in a financial freedom group. And this woman posted in in the good news is it sounds like she’s escaping but her husband, she’s not on the deed of the house. So what that means is she has no say like she said, I already know the bank won’t talk to me because I’m not on the deed. So they were married, he brought a house did not put her on the deed. And then she found out he hasn’t been paying the mortgage for six or nine months. And so she said when he went outside, she sneaked a look at the letter to see what the bank was saying. It’s because she was asking like they said 90 days it has to be back paid and was asking for advice. Now the good news was she had a secret account and she had stashed away money and everyone’s like absolutely do not give any money to the mortgage escape and she said she had pets and so I was able to say hey, you know the domestic violence group in our area, they have short term housing, they can help with long term housing and people know that people stay in abusive relationships because of pets so they’re more open to having the pets and anyway I was like please let us know you’re doing because it was an anonymous post but she’s been being gaslit I mentioned a little bit earlier, I’m not cheating. You’re just paranoid. Right? And they use gaslighting to deflect blame like the cheaters and so know what to do. And you know they have them on camera. So what you’re kissing someone who’s not your girlfriend. Most reasons people use gaslighting is that by changing the reality the guests later can make the problem the victim instead of their own bad behavior. Right then they are are absolved of blame. No one will ever love you but me. And they do that as a way to isolate if you’ve ever known anyone, again, that’s been a victim. That’s one of the things they want to be able to control you completely and isolate you. And that’s one of the things that gaslighting does. You made me do this might give you the silent treatment, which I never until researching this and making notes I never thought of the silent treatment as gaslighting or abusive,
I guess cuz I probably enjoyed it and be like, Oh, great, you’re not going to talk to me, thank goodness, I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone that I care about. Give me the silent treatment, or they might explode in a fit of rage and then alternate between the two of them. And you know, again, it puts you on eggshells, and then you’re like, did I make him do this? Am I at fault? Am I Am I a bad boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse or husband or wife and that they had to go cheat because there’s something wrong with me when no cheating is not okay, but see how they’re doing that. You’re too sensitive. Oh, man, this happened to me with an old boss in Los Angeles. She said to me, you are too sensitive. And then she told everyone in the office, I was too sensitive, which was not cool. I stood up for myself, but not in the best possible way, which I’ll maybe save for a story for another day. It’s about manipulating and hurting others. And they get pleasure when you say You’re too sensitive. If someone’s gaslighting you they’re narcissist, right. And so if they’re narcissistic, they need all the attention. And they want you to devote your whole life and your energy and taking care of them and praising them. And in order to do that, they want you to make you feel like you’re not good enough, right and talk about that all the time not feeling like good enough, not worthy or loved and, and a gaslighter is definitely going to do this to you. Now, it’s not something that I mentioned, it’s not like this one event, they do like the drip, drip drip. Because if you were just to come on full first, you’d be like, dude, I’m out of here. But they do it slowly. Because they want to create confusion. Again, if you watch the film, which I encourage you to do, it does a good job of that. So what they typically really do is just shower you with affection, attention, gifts, right? Because that’s their way of gaining control. And then once you’ve fallen in love, then they’re going to try to reel you in, and they’ll begin to pick you apart and criticize you. Remember, what the gaslighter is trying to do is to make you doubt yourself so much, that you’ll be totally dependent on them. And only them because they want to control you. They want you to control you. That’s really what it’s all about. And it’s kind of a mansion in the neighborhood where I’m being made out to be the bad person. And even people that you know, I’m done. Like they wanted me to do this meeting. And I said, No, you guys want to change and I’m done. And the people that are now on the board said they’d be different art have at it. We’re out of here. It’s not my responsibility anymore, but I know I’m not the one nuts and ultimately you know, there are different ways we’ll talk about in a moment and why I’m choosing to let that go. Now the other thing that I want to point out is the long term effects and how harmful gaslighting is for people. So it can lead to helplessness, obviously, brain fog I have had caught it gets brain fog a lot which I think is probably one of the most difficult things to deal with. I have had brain fog in the past only a couple of times and it scared the crap out of me we are getting an update on my thyroid looks like the left couldn’t she couldn’t keep up. So I have hypothyroidism and you know one of the things that I felt when your thyroids off all these things, and that’s one of the thing not quite brain fogginess, but being kind of forgetful and I felt like I’ve been that lately anyway. So brain thought, you won’t be able to make decisions, have memory problems to form can have PTSD, depression, anxiety. And even if you escape and get rid of that relationship, these are things that can continue. I mean, think about it if especially the longer you’ve been in a situation like that usually just doesn’t immediately go away. And some other consequences might be that you self isolate. You will have low self esteem and we know if we have low self esteem all the other host of problems that that can cause you know might not I’m not going to trust yourself. Not Trust yourself, trust your judgments trust your perspective, you’re most likely going to prioritize everyone else over you. It can create mental health disorders. And you lose ultimately lose a sense of yourself. You might not know, who am I? What do I believe? What are we I think? Obviously, you’d want to leave if that’s possible, but that’s not always possible. So what do you do if someone’s gaslighting you,
I’ve shared with you some tactics, some phrases, they might say some examples. So first of all, be aware, start paying attention. Or if you’re listening or watching, you might not be being gassed. But you might know that someone that is, and maybe you’re like, wow, I don’t know, because he doesn’t do anything physically. So it’s not domestic violence, and I want to say can be in same sex relationships, too. It’s not always male, female, and females can do to males as well. And so just be aware, maybe a friend they’re concerned about or relative. So if you notice someone’s manipulating you, then what I’m going to encourage you to do is seek professional help. There are people that are trained to do that 211, my understanding, everyone should have a 211 that allows you to get resources. In your area where you’re living minor standards are now signals that women can use if they’re in an abusive relationship for help. If you work or outside the home, that that’s something that you can look for. The first step, as I’ve mentioned, is recognize that it’s happening because you might not even know you might not be able to do that. So hopefully, you have someone in your life or you can google and find out more information, and then seek support. And again, if you are a family member, your family can help support you finding qualified mental health professional can help you figure it out and get your life back. Now again, if you are in an abusive relationship, I believe that gaslighting is abuse but if you’re also in a physically abusive situation, please or domestic violence hotlines, local resources, please, please get out of a relationship. But the first step is recognizing the signs and symptoms, and then seeking help and that there are support systems for you and you can get the help. And maybe you’re just the beginning of a relationship and know the signs now know what to look for. I just want to include a little note here, I’m not going to encourage you to confront the person. Because I don’t think that’ll do any good. And it might put you in harm’s way again, I hope that you talk to someone who’s qualified family and friends, you know, if you need to move out that can help you. Please don’t try to do this on your own, especially if you’ve been experiencing this for a long time. But this is definitely one of those times that I don’t encourage you to have a confrontation. Take care of yourself first, and get out of the relationship. Take action from today’s podcast. Recognize the signs of being gaslit. Look back on your life and see if that you experienced similar scenarios that I talked about today. Understand currently, or you might be being gaslit. reach out for support, including family and friends and a qualified health professional. Release unhealthy relationships.
On our next episode, we’re talking about bullying. Go out Clear Your Clutter to create the life you choose deserve and desire. When you clear your clutter, you can share your gifts with the world. Sign up for our free newsletter at reawaken your brilliance calm. Even enjoy Clear Your Clutter inside now. Please rate review and share us
Transcribed by https://otter.ai